Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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