Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
