we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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