you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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