Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
