Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
