saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
