I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
