Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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