last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
