He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
