I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
