I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
