Just fell off a train. Bad.
I will die if light touches me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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