I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
