Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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