His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
