remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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