Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize