I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
