...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
