I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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