I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The air was thick with penises
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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