After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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