After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
