If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
