Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
