I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
