My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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