alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
