closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
