I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
