Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So many bounce houses so little time
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
