Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
