I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
