alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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