Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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