omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
