oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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