My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
