My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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