i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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