he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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