I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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