he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize