I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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