What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
