even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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