The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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