You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
