I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
