onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
