Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
