(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
