chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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