i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
