I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
