Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
