How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
