making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
