I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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