I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize